At first glance this may appear to be nothing more than shallow satire, but there's something much deeper here for those with eyes to see, ears to hear, and smoothies to sip.
We call it the Association.
It’s a band of brothers. A secret sisterhood. A mystical fraternity of uncertain origin.
And at the epicenter of our esoteric worship lies an object of unimaginable power (well, 2.5 horsepower but you get the idea):
Members of The Association Often Fall to Their Knees in Tears of Bliss at The Mere Sight of It.
Some even see this item as the Holy Grail Itself; the Holy of Holies; the Unspeakable and the Ineffable.
Consider this:
- After untold thousands of years of evolution
- After the disappearance of numerous civilizations
- After countless wars and conquests, ice ages and cataclysms
- After the advent of the airplane, the television, the moon rocket, the nuclear bomb, the internet, robots, AI, and the slap chop
Humanity has, after all this trial and error, achieved the pinnacle of genius.
That's right.
Every other invention known to man pales in comparison to the humble beauty, elegant simplicity, and timeless value of a Swedish-quality blender, which no kitchen is complete without.
But more than this.
When we look into the meaning of life or the purpose of existence or “why God created the universe...”
The blender has to at least be in the conversation.
Wouldn't you agree?
Elon Musk Wants to Colonize Mars and Merge Man With Machines.
We live only to perfect the high art & alchemical science of the smoothie.
Now I’m going to level with you.
As founder of this organization, everything I do revolves around my fanatical obsession with one thing and one thing only:
The freedom to lounge around in pajamas at my leisure, sipping on super-smoothies overloaded with God-tier ingredients, whilst soaking up the glorious rays of the Sun (followed, or preceded, by a dip in the ocean or some other warm-ish body of water).
It sounds so materialistic when I put it that way — but it’s true.
It’s all about smoothies-and-sunshine. Always has been.
With that out of the way, we can discuss what the Association is all about.
But First—Let Me Introduce Myself
My official title is Lord Guardian of the Sacred Blender, but most members call me Smūjï.
My mum (and certain special friends) may still call me Sweetie—and I don’t care if you have a problem with that.
In the end, names aren’t important.
“The Smoothie that can be named is not the Eternal Smoothie,” whispered Lao Tzu as he slurped on his green tea—clearly sad that it wasn’t a super smoothie instead.
Now, I’ll Take My Tongue Out of My Cheek For a Moment (But Only a Moment) & Get Down to Brass Tacks.
What can the Association help you with?
A number of important and worthwhile things:
✅ Simple, practical, scientific methods to Smile More & Cry Less™
✅ Tools & Tech that upgrade your quality of life (and might even make you live longer)
✅ VIP access to smoothie recipes far too powerful for any normgroid
✅ Entertaining & enlightening content better than 99% of the drivel that lands in your inbox
🫐 Plus (!) you’ll have the distinction of being among the early founders of a global community of Smoothie Sippers positioned to usher in a world of unprecedented blueberry consumption ($299 value, but it’s priceless—let’s be honest)
My qualifications include:
⚡️3rd-degree blue belt in Smile-Related Techniques & Technologies
⚡️High Grand Master Smoothie Chef (Smūjï)
⚡️Ecstatic Dance Practitioner
⚡️Solid Dude
While one of our main priorities as students of Freedom Maneuvers (dancing, smiling, drinking smoothies, etc) is to squeeze as much fun out of this life as possible, there’s nothing more important than freedom itself.
Which is why we formed the International Association of Sovereign Smoothie Sippers.
☀️ To be a light unto the world in the hour of their greatest need
🚀 To uplift humanity to its former glory
🥤And, most importantly, to restore the Smoothie to its proper place of worship and wonder
An Organization of Uncertain Origin
Our ancient stone tablets indicate our lineage traces back to the High Priests of Atlantis, through the Pharaohs of Egypt (some speculate the Pyramids may have been a primitive blender design).
These are all points of historical debate.
Whatever the case may be, our membership today is in the millions, spanning the Earth—and it grows by the day.
Our mission is simple: to create beauty and serve the well-being of all, one smile and one Smoothie at a time.
Chances are you’ve encountered one of us before—someone with a glimmer of mischief in their eye, smiling for no apparent reason? A few specks of blueberry skin still stuck in their teeth?
One of ours, no doubt.
More and more Smoothie Sippers are awakening to their destiny, and our Association is here to support your journey.
Take your first sip—today.
Below, you’ll see a sign-up for our free newsletter, The Blendie.
This dispatch liquefies a comprehensive array of topics—like ingredients in a blender—into a silky, creamy, delicious, and ultimately indefinable aperitif that enhances your life and makes you say, “Mmm.”
Imagine your life without smoothies. Would it really be worth living?
I suppose you could get by, but we all know the average person’s ability to drink Smoothies on a daily basis is an indicator as to the lofty height of civilization we presently enjoy.
Let’s not take it for granted, shall we?
All Hail the Sacred Blender ⚡️